Thursday, August 28, 2008

Obama's Stirring Speech

Barack Obama accepted the Democratic nomination for President of the United States on Thursday night. For months now, Obama has been winning throngs of fawning supporters with his charisma, intelligence, and pie-in-the-sky, fantasy-like vision for the future. All of those traits were in full display in Obama's acceptance speech. For those of you who missed it, the Steeners have gone to great lengths to transcribe it and reproduce it here.

First, Obama strolled into Invesco field astride a white unicorn with a scepter in his right hand. Weeping supporters shed their clothing and laid it at the feet of their leader. After 25 minutes of exhaustive applause, Obama lifted a finger to signal the crowd to hold their peace and began to speak . . .

"My fellow Americans, I thank you for that well deserved, yet insufficient display of affection. We stand today at the precipice of immortality for my career and legacy. Four years ago I introduced myself to you for the first time: a wunderkind, a dashing, well educated god in embryo who was waiting for the world to catch up to me. Now, 4 years later, the rest of the world has finally realized what I've known since I was in bell bottoms: I am destined to transform our broken country into a paradise of happiness and prosperity that will make the Care Bears green with envy. [Deafening applause]

Our country is in dire straits. We're paying $4 a gallon for gas, mired in a dead-end war and the Republicans offer you 4 more years of the same product in a different wrapper. Let me tell you what I offer. I will end our dependence on foreign oil--completely. By properly inflating our tires, lowering the speed limit to 15 miles an hour and instituting mandatory car pools of no fewer than 6 persons per car, we will cut our dependence on oil 75%. The other 25% can be accounted for by regulating industry. Instead of oil burning factories that pollute, we can mobilize millions of gerbils and hamsters and other small, hard working rodents on immense wheels, simultaneously providing power to our factories and correcting the unemployment rate that cripples our pet population. [Deafening applause]

Education is another dire concern. Even now as I grace you with my voice, millions of students are languishing in schools that are not Harvard. Every student deserves the opportunity to go to a university that inspires awe and insecurity in others. I guarantee you every person will have such a chance. [Deafening applause]

Universal health care has long been seen as an impossible task for Washington. I promise you that every man, woman, and child will have full access to first rate medical attention by the finest foreign doctors we can import into this country. [Deafening applause]

National security is a major concern of all Americans. John McCain has served my country well, and I mean that, but the days of the gun toting Rambo who defends his country with force and is willing to sacrifice his life or risk injury or delay education and career goals for people he's never even met are over. I propose a new brand of policy that utilizes technology and tact. When I am elected President, I will push for tough new applications on facebook that punish men like Ahmadinejad and Putin for their bullying. In this day and age, a frowny face icon is just as effective as bombs and guns. And, if necessary, I am even willing to send mean text messages and block them from my contacts list on MSN Messenger. [Deafening applause]

People wonder where all the money will come from for these changes. I will trim government down by eliminating unneeded programs like the Navy, Air Force, Army, and the other one that's like the Army but starts with an M or something.

The Republicans will tell you that this is all happy talk. Well it is happy talk! But together we can do it. But that's not even the most important thing. The important thing is that you think I can do it. This election has never been about me, but YOUR adoration for me. [Deafening applause]

Unfortunately, I've grown bored with you and our time together is over. But before I do let me say: avert your gaze!" [Obama then ascended a crystal stair case and boarded a solid gold coach pulled by NBC journalists, to deafening applause and the strains of Handel's Hallelujah Chorus].

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Brian Regan

Friday night we went out with Mandy and Lance. We had dinner at the Olive Garden - Lance's choice. I was tempted to override this decision for dinner, but knowing in Richfield, UT they have to choose between eating out at Subway or getting a hotdog at the local Maverick, I let the choice stand. I mean, you can only eat Subway sandwiches and hotdogs that have been heating under florescent lights for hours so many times - and Lance is a big guy, he needs a good meal once in a while. We headed up to Thanksgiving Point afterward to see Brian Regan (a comedian). The show started at 8 and we got up there around 7:30 and it was packed! Luckily, Mandy ran into an old friend from the singles ward and asked if they had room for 4. He said they were actually moving to sit with some friends on the grass and so they would give up there spot to us - front and center - on a cement pad. It wasn't too bad! Better than sitting in the very back. Brian Regan was great - you should really check him out if you haven't. My roommate, Melanie, introduced him to me in college. He is a clean comedian which is hard to find these days and his facial expressions add so much to the comedy. Lance added to the entertainment value with his laugh. We headed out to "Spoon Me" afterward. This is a new yogurt place in town. One of my associates at AT told me about it so we decided to give it a shot.

They happened to be having a big rave - tons of college students dancing around and the music so loud, you had to yell to place your order. Let's just say we were really feeling our age and were the only ones there with wedding rings on. They played a few songs we knew like - "I Like Big Butts" - to which Lance knew all the words.

Here is one of my favorite Brian Regan acts:

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

10 Year Anniversary

Today is my 10th year anniversary of RM-hood! On August 13th, 1998 my plan touched down in Harrisburg, PA to a small crowd of family and well wishers. It's hard to believe it's been that long. Time sure flies. When I got home I thought I knew everything and had reached a spiritual plateau. I was so naive. But I'm pretty sure I'm there now.

In Olympic news, the Steeners are thoroughly enjoying the games. Robyn was especially impressed with the synchronized diving, which is usually an unheralded and overlooked sport. While Robyn may not have been greatly interested in the sport itself, the svelte figures of the divers certainly grabbed her attention. At one point she dreamily exclaimed with rapt, vacant eyes, her mouth agape: "look at those guys' abs." She then went on for a few minutes about the abs.

Robyn carries an Olympic-sized torch for these guys . . .

The real meat of the Olympic games, of course, is women's handball. Early this morning the Hungarians stunned the Germans 25-24. Hungary's Gorbicz scored the game winner and now leads all other handballers with 24 goals so far.