Obama's Stirring Speech

Barack Obama accepted the Democratic nomination for President of the United States on Thursday night. For months now, Obama has been winning throngs of fawning supporters with his charisma, intelligence, and pie-in-the-sky, fantasy-like vision for the future. All of those traits were in full display in Obama's acceptance speech. For those of you who missed it, the Steeners have gone to great lengths to transcribe it and reproduce it here.

First, Obama strolled into Invesco field astride a white unicorn with a scepter in his right hand. Weeping supporters shed their clothing and laid it at the feet of their leader. After 25 minutes of exhaustive applause, Obama lifted a finger to signal the crowd to hold their peace and began to speak . . .

"My fellow Americans, I thank you for that well deserved, yet insufficient display of affection. We stand today at the precipice of immortality for my career and legacy. Four years ago I introduced myself to you for the first time: a wunderkind, a dashing, well educated god in embryo who was waiting for the world to catch up to me. Now, 4 years later, the rest of the world has finally realized what I've known since I was in bell bottoms: I am destined to transform our broken country into a paradise of happiness and prosperity that will make the Care Bears green with envy. [Deafening applause]

Our country is in dire straits. We're paying $4 a gallon for gas, mired in a dead-end war and the Republicans offer you 4 more years of the same product in a different wrapper. Let me tell you what I offer. I will end our dependence on foreign oil--completely. By properly inflating our tires, lowering the speed limit to 15 miles an hour and instituting mandatory car pools of no fewer than 6 persons per car, we will cut our dependence on oil 75%. The other 25% can be accounted for by regulating industry. Instead of oil burning factories that pollute, we can mobilize millions of gerbils and hamsters and other small, hard working rodents on immense wheels, simultaneously providing power to our factories and correcting the unemployment rate that cripples our pet population. [Deafening applause]

Education is another dire concern. Even now as I grace you with my voice, millions of students are languishing in schools that are not Harvard. Every student deserves the opportunity to go to a university that inspires awe and insecurity in others. I guarantee you every person will have such a chance. [Deafening applause]

Universal health care has long been seen as an impossible task for Washington. I promise you that every man, woman, and child will have full access to first rate medical attention by the finest foreign doctors we can import into this country. [Deafening applause]

National security is a major concern of all Americans. John McCain has served my country well, and I mean that, but the days of the gun toting Rambo who defends his country with force and is willing to sacrifice his life or risk injury or delay education and career goals for people he's never even met are over. I propose a new brand of policy that utilizes technology and tact. When I am elected President, I will push for tough new applications on facebook that punish men like Ahmadinejad and Putin for their bullying. In this day and age, a frowny face icon is just as effective as bombs and guns. And, if necessary, I am even willing to send mean text messages and block them from my contacts list on MSN Messenger. [Deafening applause]

People wonder where all the money will come from for these changes. I will trim government down by eliminating unneeded programs like the Navy, Air Force, Army, and the other one that's like the Army but starts with an M or something.

The Republicans will tell you that this is all happy talk. Well it is happy talk! But together we can do it. But that's not even the most important thing. The important thing is that you think I can do it. This election has never been about me, but YOUR adoration for me. [Deafening applause]

Unfortunately, I've grown bored with you and our time together is over. But before I do let me say: avert your gaze!" [Obama then ascended a crystal stair case and boarded a solid gold coach pulled by NBC journalists, to deafening applause and the strains of Handel's Hallelujah Chorus].